Your Reflection

Many times when feelings needed voice they looked at words for help but found words starring at them mute. I will try, but I know I cant do justice to feelings, especially feelings of helplessness we feel when our loved one is very ill. We want to do so much and yet can do nothing, but to watch them waste away. No one can fight the nature and destiny .

I remember my mother bed bound for weeks at the end [terminal cancer], every time I looked at her, I heard her voice from past telling me ” I don’t want to get dependent on any one ” and here she was totally dependent, cant even eat by herself. I felt as if its me on the bed dying slowly. Each day when the Sun rose, I wondered if my mother opened her eyes or not. She was holding on to her last breaths, holding on to her last heart beat.

I don’t know if my eyes cried or it was my heart, but tears continue to fall deep inside me, acting strong from outside for every one else, but felt like breaking down sitting alone, somehow I kept myself intact, traveling every weekend 4 hours on Saturday, staying with her over night and then traveling back home 4 hours every Sunday for several weeks. Every time I came back I didn’t know if I will get another weekend with her not .

When I was young, up till I moved out of the house to go to college, I always felt if something happened to my mother I will surely die with her, as I couldn’t imagine life without her, and here she was dying. …I had to keep on living though, as now I have children of my own.

No one can ever love me, the way she loved me, so pure so unconditional. Part of me has died, and is now buried in a grave with her. Damage to my heart is irreparable.